


Once Upon a Time: The Stone Never Forgets

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [10]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Humor, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-16
Updated: 2012-01-16
Packaged: 2017-10-29 16:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When in the course of Thedas events, it becomes necessary for one person to explain the details of your love life, remember this one, very important fact: never, ever, let the golem answer on your behalf.  Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: The Stone Never Forgets

_Once upon a time, it was in love?_  That is all it can recall? Well, I suppose it is inevitable given the events of the past year or so that its flesh mind would be unable to recall the exact timing and nature of what transpired on our journey, but it still seems a bit early to have forgotten the details to such an egregious degree. Still, since it is obviously in need of assistance to relay the tale, I shall gladly provide it.

No, of course I don't mind. It should be quite amusing, in fact. Now, let me  _see_ , where to begin...

Well, I suppose I could start with the most  _interesting_  part of your journey. Does it recall? That atrocious little town of Honnleath, naturally, where I had spent the previous thirty years in the most dreadful sort of captivity: boredom. Nothing to do but watch the foolish flesh creatures go about their boring routine and their boring lives and their boring coupling rituals - oh, the very thought of it makes me cringe. And then there were the birds... oh yes, the birds...

Yes, yes, I know that  _it_  started its journey in Ostagar, but I decided to start at the  _interesting_  part, to keep their attention. It should know how limited the attention span of its fellow flesh creatures is, does it not? However, since the inquiry is related to its nocturnal activities and not necessarily the  _other_  details of its journey - not that it kept those activities restricted to the hours of the night, it must be noted - perhaps I should restrict my own comments to those activities as well.

That is rather an interesting color it has decided to adopt. Has it perhaps engaged in nocturnal activities? I had noticed that red is its dominant color following such exercises when we were-

That was a rather rude retort. Well, since it seems to be incapable of simple civility at this point in time, I shall endeavor to  _fully_ answer the question on its behalf. Unless it would prefer the squishy response? Ah, I rather suspected that would be the case. Shall I continue?

Its nocturnal activities, if I recall correctly, began shortly after the painted elf joined the party. Although  _what_ one could  _possibly_ perceive to be of value in a flesh creature that attempted to end its already tragically short existence is beyond my ability to comprehend. I suppose that it is the flesh itself which slows down the thought processes, preventing any clarity or cleverness from manifesting in its fragile state. Thankfully, this is not an issue for me.

The noise, as I recalled, was quite annoying, particularly during the first few nights. It was rather amusing to hear the complaints of the other flesh creatures when their sleep is disturbed, since I cannot, of course, sleep and had to endure the  _sounds_  for  _hours_ and  _hours_  with no surcease. Honestly, how many different ways can it think of to shout to its invisible sky mage in various whiny and high-pitched tones of voice, anyway?

No, I don't think that is  _too much information_  in the slightest. It isn't as if it tried too hard to hide its activities, even when outside the camp. Does it recall the time it asked me to stand in front of the painted elf and itself inside that store in Denerim - oh, what was it called? Ah, yes the  _Wonders of Thedas_  - so that it could "test the magical efficacy of the Chasind fertitily carving?"

Interesting. Now it is a far  _deeper_ shade of red. Why is the painted elf hiding its face and shaking?  _*Sigh*_  The foibles of flesh creatures are quite incomprehensible. It is indeed a wonder that they are considered  _the_  power on the face of Thedas.

Now, where was I...? Ah, yes.

It wasn't too long after that, of course, that its attention wandered to the sister. Now, this I could understand a bit better, as the sister is much more kind, if a bit  _misguided_  in some of her beliefs. However, if I had thought that any sort of aural reprieve would result from this change of partners, I was completely mistaken. No, it wasn't the singing and humming, though the incessant love songs  _were_ a bit grating after the first week, I will admit. And no, it wasn't the multiple renditions of stories of dead flesh creatures and their tears somehow being stars, or some such nonsense. No, it was the fact that now there were  _two_  voices calling to the invisible sky mage in endless repetition each night. What is it with the female of its species that invokes them to call out to an invisible sky mage whilst engaging in nocturnal - or diurnal, in  _its_ case - activities? It is quite tiring to listen to, hours on end, day after night after-

Well, yes I suppose I have  _sufficiently_  summarized its many activities with the sister. If this is the case, as it so correctly pointed out, then I suppose I must move on to the worst one of them all.

The clown knight? With its snoring, and its odd nose pulling, and its jokes that are not funny, and its... its...  _pike twirling_. And it eats birds. Birds! Those filth-ridden vermin of Thedas, and it  _eats_  them! And enjoys it! Disgusting! The painted elf, at least, was experienced in nocturnal activities before it began the nightly massages. But the clown knight made it quite clear that it was a complete fool in the tent as well as elsewhere.

An odd choice of phrase, that. How can I let  _it_  lie when  _it_  is standing right next to me? The odd little turns of phrases that the flesh creatures utilize is beyond my comprehension at times.

At any rate, although it was amusing at first to hear a male of the species cry out to the invisible sky mage, that unique aspect quickly palled when it became quite evident that the clown knight preferred outdoor erotic activities with it. I mean, really, was it truly necessary to  _engage_  in such activities behind a well next to the Chantry in Denerim? Yes, I know the clown knight felt it an  _appropriate_ prank, but I fail to perceive the humor in the situation.

Odd, now the clown knight is turning quite the same shade of crimson as  _it_  has been sporting. I shall have to keep this in mind as an excellent way to keep it warm. Thus when it is cold, it will not need to ask the clown knight to dash off to the nearest grove of trees to-

Ah, it is leaving I see. My word, what a rude gesture. It is experiencing its time of the month, I suppose. I shall alert the swamp witch to make up some more of that concoction for it. I don't think it wants a repeat of that unfortunate incident in Orzammar. I don't think that the proper way to select a monarch is to concuss it with its own crown, no matter the provocation.

To each their own, I suppose.

**Author's Note:**

> invisible sky mage = Maker (based on the 'invisible sky wizard = God' in our world)


End file.
